The last scan 💙

We had a scan on Monday 8th June at Calderdale Royal Hospital. As I went into the hospital I was hopeful that maybe just maybe the hygroma had gone and he was out of those woods, but I also felt uneasy and prepared for the worst.

As I lay down and the technician started scanning he was quiet (I didn't have a screen to see so wasn't sure what was going on) but deep down I knew why he was being quiet and I waited to hear those words... The words that followed were "ohhh I'm sorry there's no heartbeat. Baby is measuring 14 weeks" A tear rolled down my cheek and all I could manage to get out was "I was expecting it" I'm the type of person who doesn't really like showing emotions so I tried my hardest to hold them in and all I could think of was my poor baby boy, his excited big brother and his daddy who would be heartbroken!

I was taken to a quiet room to wait for the consultant for our next steps. On the way the midwife asked if I had anyone waiting for me outside I said yes my fiance she told me "do you want to ring him?" in my head I was thinking "no bitch I don't want to tell him his sons passed away over the phone!! I want him here with me where he should be!!"

In the room I waited for the consultant and got told I'd be taking a tablet to soften my cervix and having a covid test. I decided to ring Timmy as I might be a while that was honestly the worst phonecall of my entire life I never wish to do that again.  I was devastated, he was devastated. I didn't know what to do I felt guilt as I thought it was my fault for having the CVS I felt guilt cos timmy thought he'd felt kicks for 5 weeks but clearly couldn't of cos his son only measured 14 weeks! I felt crazy cos I'd felt them too!

So I had the tablet and then got told to come back on Wednesday to start the induction and have my baby boy... I have never felt such heartbreak in my entire life and do not wish that pain on anyone! 

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